Amazing Academics

Say, what the hell do you parents do, anyway?

Twiddle your thumbs?

Gather wool?

Rest on your laurels?

Anything at all?

That’s the idea I get after reading about Sheldon Karnilow, the Half Hollow Hills’ school superintendent who earns a whopping $351,946.00 a year. According to board president Anne Marie Sorkin, Mr. Karnilow is a “bargain” at that price. Why? Let Ms. Sorkin explain:

“He’s got 10,000 kids that he gets to school every day. He’s in charge of their health, their safety, their welfare, their education.”

Not only should this shame all you lazy-assed Moms and Dads out there, it goes a long way towards explaining why property taxes on the Island of Long (the lion’s share of which go to schools) are some of the highest in the nation. Mr. Karnilow isn’t just a superintendent, he’s freakin’ Superman!

How else to explain his ability to kick 10,000 kids’ cans out of bed every school day, stand over them while they do their morning ablutions, serve up a delicious and nutritious breakfast, wait with them at the bus stop and then manage to be in his office when the first bell rings?

And what about the countless doctor appointments, bike helmets, winter coats and college educations he has to pay for? Why, it’s a wonder the man isn’t a pauper living in a cardboard box!

In fact, these LI school superintendents, who make up nine of the ten highest-paid K-12 school employees in New York State, are such a special breed, they and others like them have spawned the word “educrats.”

What’s an educrat? Since the Amazing Karnilow is busy teaching every subject to every student in his school district, let me enlighten you.

An educrat is, quite simply, an educational bureaucrat who works as an official or administrator in a school district. Used in its more derogatory form, educrats are more interested in the process of learning, and how that process is funded, than learning itself.

I will also add that LI’s superintendents seem to possess a preternatural stamina that mere mortals do not. For instance, Commack Union Free School District’s superintendent, James Feldman, retired in June with two decades’ worth of accrued vacation and sick time. Is this guy an educrat or the Energizer Bunny?

It’s time to get off your backsides slacking parental units! You may be stressed out over whether your job will still be there tomorrow (something these tenured Titans have no worries about) or running yourselves ragged working two jobs to make ends meet, but you should count yourselves lucky that a good chunk of your salary is paying for these educrats super-sized compensations.

Or, as one defender of LI’s superintendents put it, “People would love to spend less, but they would very much like to have someone who is beyond competent.”

Way beyond. In fact, suspiciously almighty.