More of What I Fancy

It was British playwright George Bernard Shaw who observed that America and England are “two countries separated by a common language.”

And he wasn’t just whistlin’ Dixie. In fact, he was “spot on.”

On any fine day here in the States, I’d start up my car, tune the radio to NPR, take it slow over my parking lot’s speed bumps, mail a birthday card at the corner mailbox, wave to the school guard at the crosswalk, exit onto the expressway, finally make it to a nearby retail outlet after being confused by some crap directions, spend a little cash, throw my shopping bags in the trunk, return to my apartment, order Chinese take-out and that’s my day.

On the other side of The Pond, I’d start up the motor, tune the wireless to the Beeb, mind my car park’s sleeping policemen, post a greetings card at a pillar box, wave to the lollipop lady at the zebra crossing, exit onto the motorway, finally make it to a nearby retail park after being googled by some shite directions, spend a little dosh, toss my parcels in the boot, return to my flat, ring up an Indian take-away and Bob’s your uncle.

Even more intriguingly impenetrable is Cockney rhyming slang, where one word is replaced by a two or three word phrase in which the last word rhymes with the original word. Head scratching, no doubt, but a few pithy examples are: Climbing the “apples and pears” (stairs); That’s hard to “Adam and Eve” (believe); I like your designer “Steve McQueens” (jeans); What’s the “lemon and lime” (time); I scored some amazing “Bob Hope” (dope); I drank too much and got “Brahms and Lizst” (pissed).

But nothing belies the image of British propriety than their wanton way with profanity. You don’t have to be a loyal subject of Her Royal Majesty to interject one of these juicy nuggets into your next tirade:

Bum fuck Egypt (the middle of nowhere)

Face like a busted arse (very ugly)

Piss artist (heavy drinker)

Shit-hot (the best!)

Square root of fuck-all (absolutely nothing)

Fuck this for a game of soldiers (I give up)

Fuckwit (an idiot)

Hard shit (bad luck, used sarcastically)

Piss on his/her chips (ruin someone’s good time)

Rare as rocking horse shit (self-explanatory)

And on that saucy note, I’ll end my salute to the land of Parliament, pints and pork pies in the hope that, someday, I’ll get to visit my mate Nigel and hear my mother tongue spoken in all its gobsmacked glory. Now, if they could only do something about the bloody awful weather.