Like a long-term marriage when you sense your partner’s waning interest in even your most fetching charms, I felt the same alienation of attention from the media company I faithfully served through the better and worse of 25 years. Luckily, I read the writing on the wall two years before the axe came down, so I was in better financial shape than some of my design department pals who also joined me on the chopping block at the end of 2007.
Ah well. Creative burnout had long taken its toll on my psyche and, after being a loyal handmaiden for a quarter of a century, I was granted a pretty sweet severance package, part of which was three-months of training at a high-end career counseling agency. I landed the gig at my old company fresh out of college after making one cold call, mailing an unsolicited resume and having a half-hour interview with the personnel director. As much as I detested the idea of going back to what amounts to kindergarten in order to land a position in a brave, new (and within a few months, totally tanked) job market, I knew getting a position wasn’t going to be as “falling off a log” easy as the last one. Besides, I adhere to the age-old motto, “If it’s for free, it’s for me.”
So, after ninety days of prep in writing a riveting resume, crafting a killer cover letter and winning over even the most inane interviewer, I was armed and ready to hit Monster, Careerbuilder and other boards in search of my next dream job. What the good folks at the agency didn’t warn me about was the moronic and, in some cases, laughable compositions that pass for job postings.
By trade, I’m an advertising copywriter, so it’s a mite off-putting to see at the top of the list of qualifications, “Excellent command of the English language,” followed by “Knowledge of spelling, punctuation and grammar a must.” No! Really? Whodda thunk that a copyrighter wuld need them thar skils?.
Another real turn off are postings that recruit for a copywriter, until you get past the above-mentioned drivel and discover they also require a knowledge of Photoshop, Dreamweaver, Illustrator and, oh say, a background in print production would be nice, too. In other words, they’re not looking for a copywriter, but a whole design services department rolled into one, underpaid scribe. Good luck with that.
But the posting that had “reject” written all over it was on behalf of an agency recruiting for an interactive copywriter who would work on banner ads, blogs, micro-sites, etc. Good enough. But here comes the deal killer: “You will be writing against almost impossible deadlines.” Well hell! Let me rush my resume right over to that agency! There’s nothing like setting me up to fail before I’ve even settled into my cube. No wonder I’ve seen it re-posted three times in as many months.
I’ve heard a lot of bellyaching from employers about the dearth of desirable candidates for what few job openings they have these days. Allow me to play “Dear Abby” and offer management a piece of advice:
If you want to meet me, court me and make a proposal on what I can promise you will be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, you better come to my door looking like George Clooney and not Alfred E. Neuman.
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