Book 'Em

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

Some book title, eh? Just the sort that makes my eyes skittishly dart around the shelf, looking for a read with a little more, shall we say, heft.

But tough times combined with unrelenting boredom make a woman do strange things. It was the tail end of last summer when my 84-year-old mother fell on her tail and sustained a slight fracture to one of her ribs. What followed was a month of the matriarch being confined first to the hospital, then a physical rehab facility and, finally, back to the old homestead. Over my strenuous objections, the rest of my clan hatched an ill-conceived plan to give my Mother 24/7 care until she was able to stand on her own two feet. The scheme lasted exactly one week before we were at each other’s throats but, in the meantime, yours truly was on duty during daylight hours, ping ponging between the stress of playing nurse to a cantankerous patient and the malaise of having zilch to do when said patient was asleep.

That’s when I finally gave in and picked up the above-mentioned best seller, which one of my sisters left on the kitchen table. Maybe it was the circumstances but, much to my pleasant surprise, it wasn’t half bad -- a bit contrived, somewhat mawkish, yet not without a certain lighthearted wit. But what the hell is with that title?

A quick blow through Amazon’s 50 Best Sellers of 2009 tells you today’s writers need to brush up on the three “Cs” – clear, concise, compelling.

Is it really necessary for Stephen King to include the words, “A Novel,” in the title for “Under the Dome”? Surely the “Master of the Macabre” doesn’t believe that we believe a sinister clear dome has actually cut off the residents of a New England town from the rest of the world. Or that the vampires, zombies, werewolves and other crazy-assed creations that make up his prolific bibliography are walking among us. Granted, I’ve met a few dogs that could give Cujo a run for his Milk Bones, but really, give your readers some credit.

Take out the utterly unnecessary “a novel” and at least King kept his title down to three well-chosen words. It’s the non-fiction writers who need to invest in a carton of red Sharpies and delete the subtitles to their titles. How’s this for verbiage that rolls off the tongue: “Fans, Friends and Followers: Building an Audience and a Creative Career in the Digital Age.” Or this: “Popes and Bankers: A Cultural History of Credit and Debt, from Aristotle to AIG.” And finally: “Horse Soldiers: The Extraordinary Story of a Band of US Soldiers Who Rode to Victory in Afghanistan.” With a title this all-encompassing, who needs to read the book?

At the moment, I’m hunkered down with Martin Amis’ novel, “London Fields.” Before the story begins, Amis includes a note explaining how he came to title his book:

“The first kind of title decides on a name for something that is already there. The second kind of title is present all along: it lives and breathes, or it tries, on every page. London Fields is the second kind of title.”

In future, let’s hope all writers, like Amis, go with option two.