Brother, Can You Spare a Click?

I’ve been advised by two of my nearest and dearest, who are also fellow bloggers, that I should consider monetizing this site by allowing Google to post click-through ads. On the one hand, I lost my full-time job over two years ago (thanks, you Wall Street bastards!) and earning my daily bread through freelance writing gigs is slim pickins. On the other hand, you, my faithful readers, would have to click on these ads a ridiculous number of times in order to generate even a few coins for this ink-stained wretch, so I’m not sure it’s worth the trade-off.

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with the advertising game, even more so because I’m one of the players. If you’ve ever watched “Mad Men” and seen the granite-jawed creative director Don Draper artfully cram a campaign down a client’s throat, I can tell you that never happens in today’s ad world. (And neither does all that drinking, smoking and screwing. If only!)

In fact, advertising in America seems to have hit a nadir since those heady days of the suit-wearing, martini-swilling Madison Avenue boys. Ad creatives have simply become a “pair of hands” for clients who have taken a few college English courses, taught themselves Photoshop and been exposed to a relentless stream of advertising since emerging from the womb, so think themselves more than qualified to mess up my job as well as their own. When faced with these creative cretins, my standard response is: “I can balance my checkbook. That doesn’t mean I can prepare your taxes.”

The worst blow against “out of the box” advertising, though, is the “herd mentality.” Let one brand execute a campaign that generates water cooler buzz, and you can bet that ten other brands will unleash a pale imitation of the original. Mark my words, Betty White was the first but will not be the last octogenarian actress to take a severe body blow. I can just see the disclaimers now: “No elderly actresses were harmed in the making of these commercials.”

For really creative advertising, hit the streets of any down-and-out urban area (not hard in these rag-tag times) and turn your eyes downward from the billboards on the skyscrapers to the panhandlers on the sidewalks. Out of the box? Hell, these folks take the damned box, a black magic marker and turn out the kind of compelling, imaginative, hilarious taglines that make me want to retire my keyboard. Then again, they do have the one advantage of not answering to a nitwit client:

Why Lie?? I Need a Cold Beer

I’ll Bet you $1.00 You’ll Read This Sign

Homeless Bill Needs Rich Woman

Wife Has Been Kidnapped! I’m Short 98 Cents for Ransom

Ninjas Killed My Family! Need Money for Kung-Fu Lessons

Betcha Can’t Hit Me With a Quarter

Say, that gives me an idea. Why share the wealth with Google? I could post my own click-through “tin cup.” How’s this for a tagline:

My 2 Cents for Your Two Bits