See that woman on the left? That’s a Gloria.

Or, more specifically, Gloria Swanson, silver screen star and immortalizer of the famous line from Sunset Boulevard, “I am big! It’s the pictures that got small!”

My Mother was named after Gloria Swanson and I, in turn, am named after her. Mom, like the siren Swanson, looks like a Gloria. So do Gloria Estefan, Gloria Gaynor, Gloria Steinem and Gloria Vanderbilt.

Me, I’ve never looked like a Gloria a day in my life. Or felt like one, for that matter. In fact, I’d like to quote the great Bob Marley and state, “I don’t even know my name yet.”

Naming a child is a monumental responsibility. Screw it up, and your foolish adherence to family tradition, wrong-headed creativity, “unique” spelling or simple bad taste will become your offspring’s burden to bear for the rest of their natural born yet unnaturally monikered days.

The trouble will start in grade school, where the playground taunts and teases will be made worse as one teacher after another mispronounces your little darling’s designation. By the time they hit high school, they’ll try to convince everyone to call them by some shortening of their surname, but no one will buy it. If they’re smart, they’ll go to an out-of-state college where, unlike “Cheers,” nobody knows their name and they’ll either resort to their middle name (if you didn’t screw that up, too), their first and middle initials (if, again, you showed no foresight and it’s something like “B.O.”) or just throw up their hands in despair and dream up their own suitable tag, which they’ll legalize as soon as they have that law degree in hand.

If you’re expecting a blessed event in your life, please, I’m begging you -- stop fretting over layettes, diaper bags, strollers and such, and start sweating over what the hell you’re going to call the kid. For those of you looking for guidance, here are a couple of tips for the appellative-challenged:

Some Traditions Deserve To Die

You’ve already read how well being a namesake suits me, but here’s another example. I know a guy from a very large family who’s a better-looking version of Matt Damon. In fact, “Matt” would have been a good name for him. Instead, it’s “Dudley.” Need I tell you it’s his father’s name? They should have done the Dudley “Do Right” thing and let it wither on the family tree. Which brings me to my next rule of thumb: Never run out of steam. Invest as much time getting your second (or third, or fourth) kids’ names right as the first. Don’t throw in the towel and name them “Blanche” after their maternal grandmother or “Floyd” after a rich uncle. If Mother Nature is kind, you’ll be dead but they’ll still have to live with your lazy-assed legacy for many years to come.

Lay Off the Alliteration

This starts when the parents have the same first initial and think it would be cute as hell if their kids’ names also started with that initial. For some odd reason, this seems to be more prevalent with those who have alliterative “K” and “J” names. You may think “Kathy, Kurt, Kevin, Kristen and Kimberley” looks cozily Rockwellesque on your annual Christmas card, but it shows a total lack of imagination to those who slogged through all twenty-six letters of the alphabet in their quest for the perfect name. (And don’t even think of including a photo of the family sporting identical red sweaters embroidered with “your” letter. People will think you’re not only simple-minded but demented.) A load of alliteration is a-okay in an arena like advertising, but with names it’s nattering nonsense.

I could go on and on. And I will in next week’s part two of “What’s in a Name.”

Brittanys, Britneys and Britneés beware!